A Suburban City Girl in A Small Town

Moment by moment……

Desperately Seeking Independence

on September 20, 2012


Gilmore Girls (season 1)

Gilmore Girls (season 1) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


Two weekends ago, Shelby and I were driving around, having one of our famous intimate conversations. I pride myself on my communication with my girls. Nothing is or ever has been taboo with them. Yes, there have been things we’ve chatted about that have made us giggle and blush but WE’VE TALKED ABOUT IT! I thank God for these conversations.


So Shelby tells me, rather timidly, that she cannot wait to move out of the house. Of course, my first reaction was “Kid, neither can I!” We joked and laughed and then fell into the meat of the conversation: she’s looking for her independence. It suddenly became so important to me to foster that in her. I have no clue what my life will be like without my babies living with me. However, as they turn 14 and 15, I realize there may be fewer days of us living together ahead of us and most behind us than we think. We talked about building her a ‘hope chest’ or a space whereby she can begin to gather things needed for her home. My mind filled with images of her first apartment and what that might look like for her. Then my mind filled with images of what my life will look like living without her.


You can imagine the whirlwind of emotion experienced in a short span of time.


I was honest with her. I’ve never lived alone in my life. I went from living with family to being married to living with family. There is a part of me, and I don’t know yet how big that part is, that longs to live alone. Part of me cannot wait to experience choosing my own place to live without having to consider anyone else’s opinion but my own. To chose my own dishes, my own curtains, my own furnishings and to have my own flavor color and style each room. To come and go as I please. To dance in my underwear and not have a soul make a comment. I’ve never had this and I long for it. I shared all this with her and then I gave her a bit of wisdom. It is my belief that no one should ever get married without first living on their own: experience paying bills on their own, learn to cook for themselves, come and go as they please without answering to anyone. That, and to travel until you’re ready to finally stay home, are the two prerequisites that should be met in one’s own personal life before experiencing marriage.


She expressed her desire to be free and to have her own space. At first, she seemed shy to admit this to me. She should not be. Is it not the wish of every parent to raise their child and set them free to make their own mark on the world? Am I not convinced Shelby’s mark will be for the greater good? Of course, I am. She has her own characteristics and while these characteristics may not be indigenous only to her, the formulation of these are what make her unique. It’s what makes Shelby Shelby. I told her from this moment on, we will begin to dream together about what her life “post-Mom” will look like. Then she said, “Mom, there will never be a ‘post-Mom’ time for me. You’re my Lorelai! Don’t you ever forget that.”


And later that evening, my independent-seeking girl curled up with her head in my lap as we watched TV together. Gilmore Girls. How very fitting.



2 responses to “Desperately Seeking Independence

  1. Dirtek Joil says:

    Oh good post. Give us soon. I will become a fan. The unforgettable Tod. Nice choice of materials. Waiting for more.


  2. Kinza says:

    I have to tell you that I am beyond exitced to have been introduced to ACT Memphis via Mark Skoda. I am exitced because I don’t feel like an island anymore.My family and I are looking forward to meeting other citizen patriots who still hold to traditional Judeo-Christian/ Capitalist/ values that have made America great. But most of all I am exitced about the possibility of becoming involved and being able to do something on a local level. It is a serious understatement I know, but our community is facing tremendous challenges in the days ahead. If we are to continue to enjoy the liberty and freedom that has been entrusted to us then we must be able to address these issues for ourselves. It has to be from the bottom up. I believe that by working together in our communities that we CAN effect change. Let me restate that, We WILL effect change!I look forward to hearing Robert Spencer tomorrow and meeting all of you. Best regards,Greg Traver


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