A Suburban City Girl in A Small Town

Moment by moment……

We Are What We Are

on January 13, 2013

I’m reading a book right now about a young girl who has stood on the outskirts of society her whole life. She’s not very pretty or witty; she’s shy but she longs for a life outside of herself. A life full of romance, excitement, a bit of drama and a whole lot of laughter. A girl….like me.

You see, for years I was a Christian wife. I prayed daily for my husband. I went to church twice on Sundays and once on Wednesday nights. I taught Sunday school, read my Bible daily, fought to be accepted among women, most of whom didn’t accept me, listened only to Christian music, and battled with myself positive that I still was nothing short than a huge disappointment to a God who required so much more than I would ever be able to give. It’s funny how free I felt from all that when I got divorced. I didn’t divorce just my husband; I divorced a whole life that I had bound myself up in an effort to be someone I clearly was not.

I will not ever go back to being that girl.

I no longer view marriage as this institution where men rule and women quiver. I have sort of “been there, done that” mentality. I prefer not to view marriage as an inequality between men and women. I also prefer not to view it as a “let’s see who’s stronger and mightier” competition it often becomes. I prefer to see it as a partnership. As long as any man thinks he’s going to into marriage with me with the ‘head of household’ mindset, there will always be a hesitancy on my part to trust him to act in the best interest of both of us as opposed to what is best only for him Again, been there, done that. This is no diatribe against men. I like men! I want a man for my very own, after all and I’m not shy to say that publicly. However, just as few women know what it’s like to be true ‘ladies’, few men know what it’s like to be true ‘gentlemen’.

But I digress. The issue is not to debate marriage. The issue is with me.

I like me! I’m not perfect but I’m real. I’m not incredibly funny but people get me. I’m seriously ambitious and have finally learned that hard work really does pay off. I’m seriously flawed and have finally come to understand that God loves me anyway. I don’t have many friends but the friends I have now I truly believe will be in my life for the rest of my life. I’m happy and more importantly, I’m content!  I may be alone but I’m certainly not lonely.

I compromised my whole person to marry one man. It is a land I won’t revisit. I choose not to. If there is a next time, he will like me for me and all of me and I won’t compromise that ever again. Sometimes, compromise can be a bad thing. It can rob you of who you are. It did to me…for ten years. I refuse to compromise who I am or what I am for another marriage or a relationship of any kind.

The girl in the book found a way to shed her outer skin, as it where. She, too, had been compromising who she was for the sake of society. Interestingly enough, once she allowed her true self to come through, she found true love.

 

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