A Suburban City Girl in A Small Town

Moment by moment……

Be Nice!

on July 2, 2013

LOL Just divorced. And no, that's not my car.

 

It’s been a while since I’ve reflected here. My girls left to be with their dad and new step-mom down in Texas and I miss them more than I can say. 

Divorce is a funny thing and I don’t mean that literally.

I once had dream where God showed me how souls are knit together in marriage in such a way that one cannot function without the other. Because of this, divorce is literally a tearing apart of souls. When children are involved, the tear slashes right through them. I never wanted to leave a legacy of divorce to my children. I’ve always believed that the marriage I have in front of them will ultimately determine how they chose husbands for themselves. In the last seven years since being divorced, I’ve seen their opinion on the subject waver. They’ve molded their own view of it, destroyed it and re-molded it again. It’s been interesting in the least to watch. 

I’ve been grateful for my parents, who should write a book on how to divorce without involving the children. They had five children and not once – and I mean NOT ONCE – have I ever heard one bad word said against the other. 

I meant to do that for my girls. But then they started asking questions. I have worked hard to answer those questions honestly, admitting my own guilt in some cases, and keeping my answers void of emotion. Yet, surviving abuse, even if it’s only on an emotional and verbal level, is something of which I’m proud. And it’s not something, when discussed, that I will sugar-coat. There is no need to. And part of my own healing is being honest about it. 

My daughters are not stupid women. They ask intelligent questions of their remembrances of their own observations at the time. I answer intelligently. But at the heart of it all is a desire to preserve their relationship with their dad. In the past, their visits have not gone well. This time, I told them to relieve themselves of any expectations of him. Just enjoy the time together. Enjoy getting to know his new wife. Allow themselves to be surprised when he does something special and be grateful for it. After all, they’ve only got one father in this earth and anything lacking him – just like anything lacking in me as a mother – is more than made up for in our Heavenly Father

There is no rule book for divorce. We hired no lawyers. We agreed on everything, filed our own papers and stood before the judge on our own to end our marriage. In the space of ten years of being married, we brought two wonderful lives in this world. It’s not their fault for being born. It’s not their fault for us divorcing. It’s up to the both of us to provide in every way we can for them on all levels. 

Take my example. If you’re going through a divorce and you have children, DO NOT USE THEM!!! DO NOT HINDER THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE  OTHER SPOUSE. DO NOT HINDER THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE STEP-PARENT. After all, as I see it, one more person on this earth loving my children is only ever good. And the quality of my relationship is up to me. No one can tear that down. Trust in your children’s instinct NOT to be threatened when they enjoy the company of your ex and possibly his/her spouse. Your children LOVE YOU! And only YOU can destroy that with your anger, rage and hatred. 

If your marriage is over, move on. Be kind to yourself. Let it go. It’s hard – I know. I’ve done it. But I’d rather be a contented, strong, sturdy, divorced woman than a broken, meek, abused nobody. And one thing no one can ever take away from me is this: My girls are proud of their mom. They are proud of me because I survived!! And I can see the pride and love and total trust in their eyes every time I tell them how much I pray for a strong relationship with their dad. You see, every time I do that, I further let them know how much they can trust me with their lives and with their hearts. My girls have both cried with joy that I want them to love their dad unconditionally. 

It’s not easy. I know, I’ve been there. And it’s hard for me each year to send them 1100 miles away from me to someone who I personally no longer trust. However, each time I do, I do it for them and I do it knowing God is always holding them in the palm of His hand. It is in God I place my total trust.

 

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One response to “Be Nice!

  1. Rob Russo says:

    Well done, sis! Well done…and well said. I love you, and I burst with pride for all three of you. 🙂

    Like

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